Summer smoke and school

Haven't written in awhile, I guess life is just streaming by me. My semester just finished and I beat Anatomy and physiology 2's ass with a B! This makes me happy. I gig sick at the end of last week as well and it continued into the weekend... My only weekend of no responsibilities from school on my shoulders... Sick. It sucked. Feeling much better now and started my first summer class. It's a psyc class called Life Span Growth and Development. The content and teacher seem fairly easy but nonetheless it's a 16 week course jammed into 3 weeks. I have a test Friday and another next Friday as well as a project & presentation next Thursday. So, yeah. Other than that, I've started the nasty cigarette habit again after over two years off the cancer sticks. It's absolutely disgusting and lowering my self confidence. Having quit, I gained a sense of strength in myself. I felt as if I could do anything, nothing could stop me. Now, I have smoked for a few weeks now, I feel guilty, unhealthy, anxious. With added guilt I confessed to my love after a week of closet smoking. He is also been smoking. I feel guilty for him starting as well obviously even though he told me he had snuck a couple himself. I guess the lesson to be learned is that I cannot only smoke when stressed. I cannot have only one. I cannot smoke one day and not the next. I hate the spell the smoke has me under. I will be working on this. Hopefully I can post soon about how I have quit. Wish me luck.

Sore throat

I have a cold. I never get sick, so I guess "I'm due" or that's what I'm told. Spring break and I'm sick. That sucks so bad. But with so many of my family members having serious health issues, I feel bad to even mention it. My great grandmother broke her hip a few days ago and is in the hospital. She had surgery. My mom had the same injury and surgery over the holidays. My grandmothers husband had emergency bypass surgery that saved his life a couple days ago. The doctors told her it was a miracle he was still a live and he would have been dead for sure within a few hours. 
I started working out with my friend. We run and walk in intervals. She said it's the fastest way to loose weight. We did the first session Friday and our second is tomorrow. I'm excited to see us both transform our bodies. We could both use some happiness.
Eh, feeling icky so I'll get off here. Just wanted to vent. If you come across this and are intrigued, feel free to comment :)

Must sleep

My poor 87 year old great grandmother has broken her hip, pretty bad I guess. She lives in another state and I can't even go see her cause I have no money. I can't sleep. It's five am and I need to be up by 7:30 no later than 9 to make to to class on time. (730 because I have to go to the photo lab for my other class but have pretty much decided it probably won't happen on account I cannot function on only two hours of sleep) my throat was bothering me as I lay there trying to fall asleep. Now that I'm somewhat relaxed, I burst out in hives. Inflamed white welts surrounded by redness and covered with itchiness. I hate hate hate hate hate them. It will be an entire year I've had this problem in May, which isn't too far. Right now I have the, in my toes and on my side :( wish me luck world. I'm not feeling great :(

Today is just not going my way :(

Today blows! I ordered my photo paper for class last Friday and the cashier hold me it would arrive at one pm today. That was the only reason I ordered it, my class is at three and that barely hives me enough time to go  to the school and prong my pictures for class before the wicked bitch of a teacher gets there. Well, the paper wasn't there when I arrived to go pick it up. I told the cashier, which was the same one who ordered it or me on Friday, that I would have never ordered it if I knew it wouldn't be here on time for me. Of course she apologized but the fact is it's not there. I had to buy some other paper so I have some for the mean time. I bought matte paper. We gave me fifty percent off. It was only $7 for 50 sheets which is great price but not the right type of paper. So..... I come to school an hour an a half early to print and there is a full class in there and student on the print computer. So, I might not even be able to print before the bitch arrives. Grrrrrrr.... 
On top of all this shit not going my way, I'm not even looking forward to the class. This teacher is so rude and disrespectful. She raised her voice to me and yelled, "what are you doing?! There is no more printing today!!" Not allowing me to print. Then by the end of the class she said only the three people that did print get full credit now it's points off. Like wtf, I was about to print and it would be full credit. This makes me want to drop it. I already checked with my financial aid people and they said I would be okay if I did. I'm trying to stick it out because I want to learn more and I love photography but this teacher just stresses me out and I don't need extra stress. I should just be focusing on Anotomyand Physiology 2.

Staples blows. So does my teacher.

End rant

Little better

Today was alright. It started off a little iffy because I had my alarm set to six am and did really wake until after nine. I barely made it on time to class. I didn't get what I had plan to get done before class. But I think the extra sleep was needed. I just wish I would have set my alarm for nine after the first one instead of thirty more minutes thirty more minuets. But I found out my next tests aren't until after spring break so I am going to make sure to ace them. I dissected a sheep heart today... And kinda enjoyed it. That sounds so freakin weird but it's true so whatever. I'm learning all about the heart, the different chambers, muscles, valves, etc. it's very interesting. I love science. When I'm learning about the human body it helps me feel like I'm escaping reality for a moment and devoting all my attention to understanding how it works. I love that about science.  It fascinates me. I also juiced today. I did east lunch but besides that juiced all day and then two bowls of fruit loops for dinner, which I think isn't really that bad. I know it's calories but not as much as a typical dinner. I'm also doing light exercise when I can find the drive to make myself work at it. I am praying I see results soon. I'll leave you with a picture that inspired me.

I'm rarely bored alone

I feel like this always. I am happy alone and happier around a couple people versus 5 or more. All this unneeded conversation is for the birds. I hate the politer small talk that is expected in our society. Just go. Say what you want. No hi how are you that's nice yada yada. What a waste of both of our time. Give. Me a straight statement and expect a straight answer. I really don't care to share how my weekend was or what is on my mind, this sounds quite harsh, and that it may be, but damned if I do damned if I don't, I don't care to get to know anyone unless they really intrigue me. I have enough going on in my life. Friends just seem like a nuisance rather than a treasure...

Maybe that's why I can't fall asleep well. Because when the night comes and all is quiet, I feel most comfortable and at home. Hmm, interesting thought.

When are you most content? Bored?

Obese

So I've been dabbling in some self destructive behaviors. Such as not eating and also binging and purging. I'm just so tired of looking the way I do. I feel so unattractive. 
I felt more loved as a thinner person. 
This weight has drained all my self confidence and esteem.
Hopefully I will lose some weight. 
For some reason it's easier to purge then exercise. Why is that?