Medicine shmedicine

Ahh, the good ole middle of the night anxiety attack. It's ironic how I was just thinking earlier how my anxiety has been so controllable since my surgery that I haven't had to take any medicine for intense anxiety. Well, I took one about five minutes ago. I have a weird taste in my mouth, racing thoughts, upset stomach along with this headache I've had for like five hours. I know if I just relaxed I would fall right to sleep. I've been exhausted all day, yawning at work and just feeling very tired. But now I have this stupid feeling of impending doom.
Having these irrational thoughts and feelings of panic for so many years, I begin to mock myself and ask 'So, staying awake will make you feel better how?' To which I do not have the answer other then it is an instinctual feeling to stay alert and aware of how I'm feeling.
Ugh, it's Wednesday morning and I need it to be Saturday.
Are there any real people reading this?

How D day went down...

I wake up to the ungodly hour of six am and make it to the shower. I force myself in and wash up one last time with the special hibiclens soap. Then I sleepily get in the car and we are off. About an hour later we arrive barely making it on time due to a ton of traffic we hit on the way, and my nerves finally kicked in. 'Oh no! We're here?!' I checked in to the pretty lady at the front desk. And within five minutes I was called to go back and get ready. I wasn't allowed to have my Bobby with me during this time. I took the elevator up to the second floor and when I got out of it the nurse aid seen me and ushered me in to the pre-op area. She said your nervous? Uh, yeah I'm nervous, I'm about to have surgery, like it was some crazy thing. I told here the thing I'm most nervous for is the anesthesia part, going under. She agreed and said she had never done it either. She instructed me to take the pregnancy test (which is typical when having a surgery, anesthesia is very bad for unborn babies) and I did. Next I was motioned to the bed at the end of the row. I was very shy and made my way to the bed. I wanted so badly to run the opposite direction, but somehow, someway, I had the bravery to keep putting one foot in front of the other and made my way to the bed. Once I arrived at the bed, the million questions started. The nurse came by and told me to change into my gown. I was able to keep my socks on and even put some slip restart comfy socks on over them. Next, the anesthesiologist came and started talking to me about that. He distracted me with questions and answers as the nurse probed my arm trying to find a vein. He seemed so familiar to me, like I knew him from somewhere. He told me he would trust these procedures for his wife and daughter, which put me more at ease. After the IV was in and he asked if I had any other questions, I really felt anxious. I asked if I could have something to calm me down and they told me it was coming. More and more people started gathering at the foot of my bed and discussing my surgery. Then, my baby came around the curtain and he leaned in and gave me a kiss. 'Ahh,' that felt great. He seen me looking around, and locked his eyes with mine. He did this several times as I grew anxious. This really helped me. I remember his eyes, so beautiful, so loving. I would follow those eyes anywhere. I knew at that moment this was all going to be alright. A man injected some clear fluid in my IV, I was worried it was the anesthesia but he told me it was a sedative to help me relax. I said okay. A minute later, I was very nervous and asked, when will it start working? He told me only a few minutes. I said okay. Bobby was instructed to give me a kiss bye and he did. Then I was wheeled away from the pre-op area and into the operating room, which didn't seem like a long ways, but who knows, cause I was sedated. Last thing I remember was them telling me to scoot over to the next bed. And when I went to sit up, I felt very sleepy and told them, I feel the sedative. And that is the last thing I remember. Next thing I know, I'm in a different room on a different bed with a different nurse. I had a oxygen mask on and I looked at the nurse and said, 'is it over?' And she said yes. Talk about the most relieving feeling ever. She then took my oxygen mask off and I asked for Bobby. He was there fairly quickly and I was so happy to see his smiling face. I was kicked out the bed pretty fast, she gave me my cloths and asked me to change and closed the curtain. I felt very off balance and was surprised I was allowed to dress myself so quickly.  But I managed to get the job done and was soon wheeled off to the back door where my hubby picked me up at. He was able to get few hilarious videos of me all messed up on the anesthesia. That stuff is crazy. 

Anyway, that is the blow by blow of how it all went down. All in all I had a positive experience with my first, hopefully last, surgery.  Tomorrow it will be one week. This last week has gone by very fast. I have been resting a lot. 

Peace

Victory is mine! Surgery is done, and I am so overjoyed. I will write the details later. For now,I'm relieved and coping with the pain. The medicine that was prescribed to me for the pain makes me feel real out of it. Bobby stayed home today to take care of me; he drove me to my class and back. We ate bad food today and just took it easy. In the evening, we went to Sally Beauty Supply and I got the things I need to makeover my hair. The plan is dark brown with red streaks. I have been wanting to try red hair for a while now. I'm excited! I'm also going to treat myself to a day at the salon, maybe tomorrow if I'm up for it. Anyway, got to rest. Sweet dreams everyone.

First day of spring semester

I'm getting ready for the first day of school right now. I don't have to be in the class until 3:05 so I got to sleep in. Thank god, cause I was up until past four, damn insomnia. I watched a ton on YouTube guides of people during the anesthetic process. I'm so ready to get this over with. I guess I'm just trying to wish myself a good day. I hope I get good vibes from this photography class... That would make my day. To everyone who is also having their first day back, good luck! I hope you find your classes easily and everything goes smooth. :)

Goin' crazy

I am going to use this blog to document how I feel from here to my surgery. As far as right now, it sucks. I keep accidentally feeling my tumor, it's painful now, haven't slept well, and just all around feel bad today. Tomorrow is the start of a new semester at school, so there is that too. I just feel extra stressed, which gives me more anxiety attacks, which makes my body react in physical ways, like my stomach feeling queezy and fuzzy vision and such. Three days until "D Day" as I have it posted on my calendar that hangs on my kitchen wall.
Screw this tumor, it needs to come out!

I just want to close my eyes and have all my fears melt away...

I find it incredibly odd how as one grows into an adult they discover all the "things you don't talk to children about". I have loathed this process all along.  I have come to all sorts of realizations of the world as I've aged. Realizing how irking my family is has definitely been one of them. All the questions and concerns are overwhelming. And to be honest, I don't even get drilled that bad. It's just the presence of knowing at some point in this conversation or visit something will be said that doesn't feel good to me. I know it is absolutely selfish to say that but hey, this is my blog, my vent. As I said in my first entry, here is where I will say everything I cannot everywhere else. As the reader, you get all the juicy stuff hehe :) 
T minutes 4 days.. And yes I'm shitting bricks over here. I have actually been getting pain at the site of the tumor since last night. This reassures me that the surgery is probably the right decision to  make. Even though it is the very last thing I want to do, I must. It's getting so nervous about it, it makes me sick just thinking about how I will be that day. I hope I can at least seem strong on the outside. I hope I don't start crying. I hope I don't have a bad anxiety attack. I hope I don't feel dizzy  and nausea. Gah! I'm a wreck! 
School also starts on Monday. I hate that I'm facing a new semester and a surgery in the same week but maybe it worked out that way so I can keep my mind busy and not worry too much.
On a more awesome note, my hubby and I seen a bat mobile today! This guy was totally cruising the neighborhood in a damn bat mobile! It was so awesome! We followed him for a minute and took pictures. I waved at him and he threw he peace sign at me. He was a middle age guy who looked very happy to be getting all the attention. All the vehicles around him including us were smiling and shooting off our cameras. It looked like something straight out of the movies! And he had a young girl, I assume his daughter with him. How cool would that be? I would love to cruise in a bat mobile!

On top of it

Today Suzy (my car) turned on! Yay! It was a great feeling to be on the road again. I got to do the one load of laundry I had been wanting to do at the laundry mat. I stayed there while it's washed and dried. I went to the dollar store while it was drying to get some essentials and to kill time. I have managed to have a laid back yet productive day. I just did all the dishes and am putting all of our things in their new, organized spots. Every thing is falling together. Cleanliness is totally closer to godliness.
T minus 5 days until the surgery. Trying not to think about it. Yet I just calculated the days, lmao. :/
Back to being productive.... I will leave you with some art I like :)

Hot tea

I am drinking some hot sleepy time echinacea tea. It's delicious. I love the way a good cup of hot tea can calm my nerves. I know everything is going to be alright and that I'm capable of a lot more than I give myself credit for. (( my deep tea thoughts :) ))

I plan on dying my hair very soon. I am going to do my own highlights like my best friend did on herself and it looked great. She recently cut her hair into a shorter style that looks amazing and looks like a lot less work too. But I don't think I could pull off a shorter doo. But I am definetly going to deep condition and color. I'm thinking brown with light blonde highlights. And I plan on getting a pedicure and eyebrow wax after my surgery, as a way to pamper myself for going through the torture. I haven't dyed my hair or gone to the salon in months. It will feel so good to do that for myself. I will start off this year tumor free, and with a makeover too!  :)

I'm looking forward to this summer so much. I will have my last prerequisite semester under my best and it will be my last holiday before starting the nursing program (hopefully). I can't believe I may actually pull this whole college thing off. It's definitely been interesting so far. I know I am destined to be more than what was dealt my way. I have to achieve it, against all odds. I want a family that I can provide for fully. I want to give my children things I never had. I want to give them a childhood with no worries.

I'm going to make a promise to myself to do a yoga video every day. Yoga is something I really want to continue in my life. I would love to sign up for my teachers classes when I have the extra cash. But for now, yoga videos on youtube will do. 

Tea is getting cold, gotta run.

There, now get off my back!

I wonder what other people do when they are home alone for days. What do you do?
Even if you don't admit it, I think we all are a little off when we are alone in our homes.
Anyway, I have been really getting the most out of my holiday break from school and work. It makes me think, it is worth it to work so hard all semester to have this time off. I absolutely love sleeping in late, or just being lazy. I've also managed to deep clean the entire apartment with the hubby's help of course. We painted a few walls, rearranged furniture, got the carpets shampooed, and donated some of our stuff. It's still being arranged but when it's done it will be so awesome, I am very excited about that. Other than that, today has been pretty low key. It's a week until the surgery. I cannot wait until it's over with omg.... I'm so anxious and nervous. I relate the feeling to a tattoo. Like afraid of the procedure but excited about the outcome. I want to just do it already. I kept the surgery date between only me and the hubby for a few days because my family drives me absolutely insane. Guilt finally took over and I told them today. I just don't want to make a big deal about it. And I would rather talk more about it after it's all over with. I definitely don't need anything making me more anxious about it. Anyway, signing off here, going to go watch something on Netflix.  

Baby it's cold outside

So today was a very blah day so far. It's the coldest day of this winter so far, at 27 degrees. I had to call into work because my car wouldn't start. On a lighter note I am making cute mittens out of an old sweater! It was such a cute Idea I seen and I knew the perfect sweater to use. I'm about to sew it up and maybe out the buttons on it too! See picture below ^_^ 

Surgery day is t minute eight days and counting. I can't wait to have this whole shabang behind me. 
Last random thought: Thai tea is the bomb diggity! 

Testing 1-2-3

Brand new first blog. I guess this is just a test run, but I hope to use this to vent out everything I hold back from saying everywhere else. Let's see what happens...

So I Skyped for the first time today with my best friend who lives thousands of miles away from me, very cool. I should have gotten on board the skype long ago. I kept myself busy cleaning like a maniac all day in an effort to stop obsessing about my surgery I have to have next week. Needless to say, the place looks great. The hubby fixed a very scrumptious dinner and we continued the Breaking Bad marathon. Now I'm up and can't sleep so I decided to make a blog.
Ps- since when does xanga cost money?