Summer smoke and school

Haven't written in awhile, I guess life is just streaming by me. My semester just finished and I beat Anatomy and physiology 2's ass with a B! This makes me happy. I gig sick at the end of last week as well and it continued into the weekend... My only weekend of no responsibilities from school on my shoulders... Sick. It sucked. Feeling much better now and started my first summer class. It's a psyc class called Life Span Growth and Development. The content and teacher seem fairly easy but nonetheless it's a 16 week course jammed into 3 weeks. I have a test Friday and another next Friday as well as a project & presentation next Thursday. So, yeah. Other than that, I've started the nasty cigarette habit again after over two years off the cancer sticks. It's absolutely disgusting and lowering my self confidence. Having quit, I gained a sense of strength in myself. I felt as if I could do anything, nothing could stop me. Now, I have smoked for a few weeks now, I feel guilty, unhealthy, anxious. With added guilt I confessed to my love after a week of closet smoking. He is also been smoking. I feel guilty for him starting as well obviously even though he told me he had snuck a couple himself. I guess the lesson to be learned is that I cannot only smoke when stressed. I cannot have only one. I cannot smoke one day and not the next. I hate the spell the smoke has me under. I will be working on this. Hopefully I can post soon about how I have quit. Wish me luck.

Sore throat

I have a cold. I never get sick, so I guess "I'm due" or that's what I'm told. Spring break and I'm sick. That sucks so bad. But with so many of my family members having serious health issues, I feel bad to even mention it. My great grandmother broke her hip a few days ago and is in the hospital. She had surgery. My mom had the same injury and surgery over the holidays. My grandmothers husband had emergency bypass surgery that saved his life a couple days ago. The doctors told her it was a miracle he was still a live and he would have been dead for sure within a few hours. 
I started working out with my friend. We run and walk in intervals. She said it's the fastest way to loose weight. We did the first session Friday and our second is tomorrow. I'm excited to see us both transform our bodies. We could both use some happiness.
Eh, feeling icky so I'll get off here. Just wanted to vent. If you come across this and are intrigued, feel free to comment :)

Must sleep

My poor 87 year old great grandmother has broken her hip, pretty bad I guess. She lives in another state and I can't even go see her cause I have no money. I can't sleep. It's five am and I need to be up by 7:30 no later than 9 to make to to class on time. (730 because I have to go to the photo lab for my other class but have pretty much decided it probably won't happen on account I cannot function on only two hours of sleep) my throat was bothering me as I lay there trying to fall asleep. Now that I'm somewhat relaxed, I burst out in hives. Inflamed white welts surrounded by redness and covered with itchiness. I hate hate hate hate hate them. It will be an entire year I've had this problem in May, which isn't too far. Right now I have the, in my toes and on my side :( wish me luck world. I'm not feeling great :(

Today is just not going my way :(

Today blows! I ordered my photo paper for class last Friday and the cashier hold me it would arrive at one pm today. That was the only reason I ordered it, my class is at three and that barely hives me enough time to go  to the school and prong my pictures for class before the wicked bitch of a teacher gets there. Well, the paper wasn't there when I arrived to go pick it up. I told the cashier, which was the same one who ordered it or me on Friday, that I would have never ordered it if I knew it wouldn't be here on time for me. Of course she apologized but the fact is it's not there. I had to buy some other paper so I have some for the mean time. I bought matte paper. We gave me fifty percent off. It was only $7 for 50 sheets which is great price but not the right type of paper. So..... I come to school an hour an a half early to print and there is a full class in there and student on the print computer. So, I might not even be able to print before the bitch arrives. Grrrrrrr.... 
On top of all this shit not going my way, I'm not even looking forward to the class. This teacher is so rude and disrespectful. She raised her voice to me and yelled, "what are you doing?! There is no more printing today!!" Not allowing me to print. Then by the end of the class she said only the three people that did print get full credit now it's points off. Like wtf, I was about to print and it would be full credit. This makes me want to drop it. I already checked with my financial aid people and they said I would be okay if I did. I'm trying to stick it out because I want to learn more and I love photography but this teacher just stresses me out and I don't need extra stress. I should just be focusing on Anotomyand Physiology 2.

Staples blows. So does my teacher.

End rant

Little better

Today was alright. It started off a little iffy because I had my alarm set to six am and did really wake until after nine. I barely made it on time to class. I didn't get what I had plan to get done before class. But I think the extra sleep was needed. I just wish I would have set my alarm for nine after the first one instead of thirty more minutes thirty more minuets. But I found out my next tests aren't until after spring break so I am going to make sure to ace them. I dissected a sheep heart today... And kinda enjoyed it. That sounds so freakin weird but it's true so whatever. I'm learning all about the heart, the different chambers, muscles, valves, etc. it's very interesting. I love science. When I'm learning about the human body it helps me feel like I'm escaping reality for a moment and devoting all my attention to understanding how it works. I love that about science.  It fascinates me. I also juiced today. I did east lunch but besides that juiced all day and then two bowls of fruit loops for dinner, which I think isn't really that bad. I know it's calories but not as much as a typical dinner. I'm also doing light exercise when I can find the drive to make myself work at it. I am praying I see results soon. I'll leave you with a picture that inspired me.

I'm rarely bored alone

I feel like this always. I am happy alone and happier around a couple people versus 5 or more. All this unneeded conversation is for the birds. I hate the politer small talk that is expected in our society. Just go. Say what you want. No hi how are you that's nice yada yada. What a waste of both of our time. Give. Me a straight statement and expect a straight answer. I really don't care to share how my weekend was or what is on my mind, this sounds quite harsh, and that it may be, but damned if I do damned if I don't, I don't care to get to know anyone unless they really intrigue me. I have enough going on in my life. Friends just seem like a nuisance rather than a treasure...

Maybe that's why I can't fall asleep well. Because when the night comes and all is quiet, I feel most comfortable and at home. Hmm, interesting thought.

When are you most content? Bored?

Obese

So I've been dabbling in some self destructive behaviors. Such as not eating and also binging and purging. I'm just so tired of looking the way I do. I feel so unattractive. 
I felt more loved as a thinner person. 
This weight has drained all my self confidence and esteem.
Hopefully I will lose some weight. 
For some reason it's easier to purge then exercise. Why is that?

Alone in this dark room

I hate myself.
I hate the way I look and feel.
I never want to leave this house.
I'm gross.

Hard work pays off

I know for a fact hard work and honesty pays off. I used to live with easy money and dishonesty and was very troubled during that time. Ever since I made the conscious decision to work hard for what I have and be true and honest in every aspect of my life, I have got to admit I am happier. I feel free from a lot of demons that weighed me down. Sometimes I just have to look back at my life and reality check myself.
Lately I have really pushed myself to work hard. I am working on getting a better vehicle which I am beyond excited about. It will be my 3rd car ever owned. I deserve a better working car and I'm so happy I will soon have one.
I also took two anatomy and physiology 2 tests last week and scored very high!
So, to sum things up, hard work pays off. Don't get lazy and expect things to be given to you. Do good things, they will come back to you. :)

Be kind to one another.
<3

On my grind

Today I woke up and had to force myself out of bed I was so exhausted. I've been working hard at school this week, I've taken two anatomy and physiology 2 tests and last night after school and work I went and did a side job housekeeping. Wow, I guess it really wore me out. I am determined to get on top of my finances. I have to pull myself out of debt and am looking to get a slightly better car. I have been posting my services and hoping to get some extra cash. My hard work is bound to pay off. 

It is also Valentine's Day.... Yay... Really I'm just happy it's Friday. Lol :)

Mysterious itchy bumps

So I have had some type of chronic hives for the last 9 months. Some days weeks it's better, sometimes worse. I actually somehow unknowingly got rid of them for two weeks. But they are back right now, for a vengeance. I'm laying in bed tossed and turned trying to fall asleep and bam! Itches attack my right ankle. Now I'm up putting cold compresses and about yo takes one ibuprofen cause my hand it's achy and swollen.

I'm not sure what is causing these reactions in my body. I am convinced it is the food I put into my body. A couple hours ago I area chicken fried steak with mashed potatoes and lots of bread rolls from Black Eved Peas. My old friend was our server.

Ok just wanted to document my food and symptoms.
Peace!


I'm back, I hate insomnia it's three am and tomorrow's Monday :( I need another weekend pretty please!

Juxtaglomerular cells

So, I kind of been slacking off with my posts. It's been three weeks since my surgery and I'm going for my follow up visit tomorrow. I'm excited to have mire of this process behind me. I'm nervous about the drive but it should be fine. I'm taking my mother in law and driving her more reliable vehicle. 
So, my first rounds of test in Anatomy and Physiology 2 are next week. That means this weekend I eat sleep and breathe the material. I feel pretty good right now and I will be even more prepared by test time :) that's like the first time I've ever said that! 
Anyway, just wanted to catch up. 
Later gator 

Medicine shmedicine

Ahh, the good ole middle of the night anxiety attack. It's ironic how I was just thinking earlier how my anxiety has been so controllable since my surgery that I haven't had to take any medicine for intense anxiety. Well, I took one about five minutes ago. I have a weird taste in my mouth, racing thoughts, upset stomach along with this headache I've had for like five hours. I know if I just relaxed I would fall right to sleep. I've been exhausted all day, yawning at work and just feeling very tired. But now I have this stupid feeling of impending doom.
Having these irrational thoughts and feelings of panic for so many years, I begin to mock myself and ask 'So, staying awake will make you feel better how?' To which I do not have the answer other then it is an instinctual feeling to stay alert and aware of how I'm feeling.
Ugh, it's Wednesday morning and I need it to be Saturday.
Are there any real people reading this?

How D day went down...

I wake up to the ungodly hour of six am and make it to the shower. I force myself in and wash up one last time with the special hibiclens soap. Then I sleepily get in the car and we are off. About an hour later we arrive barely making it on time due to a ton of traffic we hit on the way, and my nerves finally kicked in. 'Oh no! We're here?!' I checked in to the pretty lady at the front desk. And within five minutes I was called to go back and get ready. I wasn't allowed to have my Bobby with me during this time. I took the elevator up to the second floor and when I got out of it the nurse aid seen me and ushered me in to the pre-op area. She said your nervous? Uh, yeah I'm nervous, I'm about to have surgery, like it was some crazy thing. I told here the thing I'm most nervous for is the anesthesia part, going under. She agreed and said she had never done it either. She instructed me to take the pregnancy test (which is typical when having a surgery, anesthesia is very bad for unborn babies) and I did. Next I was motioned to the bed at the end of the row. I was very shy and made my way to the bed. I wanted so badly to run the opposite direction, but somehow, someway, I had the bravery to keep putting one foot in front of the other and made my way to the bed. Once I arrived at the bed, the million questions started. The nurse came by and told me to change into my gown. I was able to keep my socks on and even put some slip restart comfy socks on over them. Next, the anesthesiologist came and started talking to me about that. He distracted me with questions and answers as the nurse probed my arm trying to find a vein. He seemed so familiar to me, like I knew him from somewhere. He told me he would trust these procedures for his wife and daughter, which put me more at ease. After the IV was in and he asked if I had any other questions, I really felt anxious. I asked if I could have something to calm me down and they told me it was coming. More and more people started gathering at the foot of my bed and discussing my surgery. Then, my baby came around the curtain and he leaned in and gave me a kiss. 'Ahh,' that felt great. He seen me looking around, and locked his eyes with mine. He did this several times as I grew anxious. This really helped me. I remember his eyes, so beautiful, so loving. I would follow those eyes anywhere. I knew at that moment this was all going to be alright. A man injected some clear fluid in my IV, I was worried it was the anesthesia but he told me it was a sedative to help me relax. I said okay. A minute later, I was very nervous and asked, when will it start working? He told me only a few minutes. I said okay. Bobby was instructed to give me a kiss bye and he did. Then I was wheeled away from the pre-op area and into the operating room, which didn't seem like a long ways, but who knows, cause I was sedated. Last thing I remember was them telling me to scoot over to the next bed. And when I went to sit up, I felt very sleepy and told them, I feel the sedative. And that is the last thing I remember. Next thing I know, I'm in a different room on a different bed with a different nurse. I had a oxygen mask on and I looked at the nurse and said, 'is it over?' And she said yes. Talk about the most relieving feeling ever. She then took my oxygen mask off and I asked for Bobby. He was there fairly quickly and I was so happy to see his smiling face. I was kicked out the bed pretty fast, she gave me my cloths and asked me to change and closed the curtain. I felt very off balance and was surprised I was allowed to dress myself so quickly.  But I managed to get the job done and was soon wheeled off to the back door where my hubby picked me up at. He was able to get few hilarious videos of me all messed up on the anesthesia. That stuff is crazy. 

Anyway, that is the blow by blow of how it all went down. All in all I had a positive experience with my first, hopefully last, surgery.  Tomorrow it will be one week. This last week has gone by very fast. I have been resting a lot. 

Peace

Victory is mine! Surgery is done, and I am so overjoyed. I will write the details later. For now,I'm relieved and coping with the pain. The medicine that was prescribed to me for the pain makes me feel real out of it. Bobby stayed home today to take care of me; he drove me to my class and back. We ate bad food today and just took it easy. In the evening, we went to Sally Beauty Supply and I got the things I need to makeover my hair. The plan is dark brown with red streaks. I have been wanting to try red hair for a while now. I'm excited! I'm also going to treat myself to a day at the salon, maybe tomorrow if I'm up for it. Anyway, got to rest. Sweet dreams everyone.

First day of spring semester

I'm getting ready for the first day of school right now. I don't have to be in the class until 3:05 so I got to sleep in. Thank god, cause I was up until past four, damn insomnia. I watched a ton on YouTube guides of people during the anesthetic process. I'm so ready to get this over with. I guess I'm just trying to wish myself a good day. I hope I get good vibes from this photography class... That would make my day. To everyone who is also having their first day back, good luck! I hope you find your classes easily and everything goes smooth. :)

Goin' crazy

I am going to use this blog to document how I feel from here to my surgery. As far as right now, it sucks. I keep accidentally feeling my tumor, it's painful now, haven't slept well, and just all around feel bad today. Tomorrow is the start of a new semester at school, so there is that too. I just feel extra stressed, which gives me more anxiety attacks, which makes my body react in physical ways, like my stomach feeling queezy and fuzzy vision and such. Three days until "D Day" as I have it posted on my calendar that hangs on my kitchen wall.
Screw this tumor, it needs to come out!

I just want to close my eyes and have all my fears melt away...

I find it incredibly odd how as one grows into an adult they discover all the "things you don't talk to children about". I have loathed this process all along.  I have come to all sorts of realizations of the world as I've aged. Realizing how irking my family is has definitely been one of them. All the questions and concerns are overwhelming. And to be honest, I don't even get drilled that bad. It's just the presence of knowing at some point in this conversation or visit something will be said that doesn't feel good to me. I know it is absolutely selfish to say that but hey, this is my blog, my vent. As I said in my first entry, here is where I will say everything I cannot everywhere else. As the reader, you get all the juicy stuff hehe :) 
T minutes 4 days.. And yes I'm shitting bricks over here. I have actually been getting pain at the site of the tumor since last night. This reassures me that the surgery is probably the right decision to  make. Even though it is the very last thing I want to do, I must. It's getting so nervous about it, it makes me sick just thinking about how I will be that day. I hope I can at least seem strong on the outside. I hope I don't start crying. I hope I don't have a bad anxiety attack. I hope I don't feel dizzy  and nausea. Gah! I'm a wreck! 
School also starts on Monday. I hate that I'm facing a new semester and a surgery in the same week but maybe it worked out that way so I can keep my mind busy and not worry too much.
On a more awesome note, my hubby and I seen a bat mobile today! This guy was totally cruising the neighborhood in a damn bat mobile! It was so awesome! We followed him for a minute and took pictures. I waved at him and he threw he peace sign at me. He was a middle age guy who looked very happy to be getting all the attention. All the vehicles around him including us were smiling and shooting off our cameras. It looked like something straight out of the movies! And he had a young girl, I assume his daughter with him. How cool would that be? I would love to cruise in a bat mobile!

On top of it

Today Suzy (my car) turned on! Yay! It was a great feeling to be on the road again. I got to do the one load of laundry I had been wanting to do at the laundry mat. I stayed there while it's washed and dried. I went to the dollar store while it was drying to get some essentials and to kill time. I have managed to have a laid back yet productive day. I just did all the dishes and am putting all of our things in their new, organized spots. Every thing is falling together. Cleanliness is totally closer to godliness.
T minus 5 days until the surgery. Trying not to think about it. Yet I just calculated the days, lmao. :/
Back to being productive.... I will leave you with some art I like :)

Hot tea

I am drinking some hot sleepy time echinacea tea. It's delicious. I love the way a good cup of hot tea can calm my nerves. I know everything is going to be alright and that I'm capable of a lot more than I give myself credit for. (( my deep tea thoughts :) ))

I plan on dying my hair very soon. I am going to do my own highlights like my best friend did on herself and it looked great. She recently cut her hair into a shorter style that looks amazing and looks like a lot less work too. But I don't think I could pull off a shorter doo. But I am definetly going to deep condition and color. I'm thinking brown with light blonde highlights. And I plan on getting a pedicure and eyebrow wax after my surgery, as a way to pamper myself for going through the torture. I haven't dyed my hair or gone to the salon in months. It will feel so good to do that for myself. I will start off this year tumor free, and with a makeover too!  :)

I'm looking forward to this summer so much. I will have my last prerequisite semester under my best and it will be my last holiday before starting the nursing program (hopefully). I can't believe I may actually pull this whole college thing off. It's definitely been interesting so far. I know I am destined to be more than what was dealt my way. I have to achieve it, against all odds. I want a family that I can provide for fully. I want to give my children things I never had. I want to give them a childhood with no worries.

I'm going to make a promise to myself to do a yoga video every day. Yoga is something I really want to continue in my life. I would love to sign up for my teachers classes when I have the extra cash. But for now, yoga videos on youtube will do. 

Tea is getting cold, gotta run.

There, now get off my back!

I wonder what other people do when they are home alone for days. What do you do?
Even if you don't admit it, I think we all are a little off when we are alone in our homes.
Anyway, I have been really getting the most out of my holiday break from school and work. It makes me think, it is worth it to work so hard all semester to have this time off. I absolutely love sleeping in late, or just being lazy. I've also managed to deep clean the entire apartment with the hubby's help of course. We painted a few walls, rearranged furniture, got the carpets shampooed, and donated some of our stuff. It's still being arranged but when it's done it will be so awesome, I am very excited about that. Other than that, today has been pretty low key. It's a week until the surgery. I cannot wait until it's over with omg.... I'm so anxious and nervous. I relate the feeling to a tattoo. Like afraid of the procedure but excited about the outcome. I want to just do it already. I kept the surgery date between only me and the hubby for a few days because my family drives me absolutely insane. Guilt finally took over and I told them today. I just don't want to make a big deal about it. And I would rather talk more about it after it's all over with. I definitely don't need anything making me more anxious about it. Anyway, signing off here, going to go watch something on Netflix.  

Baby it's cold outside

So today was a very blah day so far. It's the coldest day of this winter so far, at 27 degrees. I had to call into work because my car wouldn't start. On a lighter note I am making cute mittens out of an old sweater! It was such a cute Idea I seen and I knew the perfect sweater to use. I'm about to sew it up and maybe out the buttons on it too! See picture below ^_^ 

Surgery day is t minute eight days and counting. I can't wait to have this whole shabang behind me. 
Last random thought: Thai tea is the bomb diggity! 

Testing 1-2-3

Brand new first blog. I guess this is just a test run, but I hope to use this to vent out everything I hold back from saying everywhere else. Let's see what happens...

So I Skyped for the first time today with my best friend who lives thousands of miles away from me, very cool. I should have gotten on board the skype long ago. I kept myself busy cleaning like a maniac all day in an effort to stop obsessing about my surgery I have to have next week. Needless to say, the place looks great. The hubby fixed a very scrumptious dinner and we continued the Breaking Bad marathon. Now I'm up and can't sleep so I decided to make a blog.
Ps- since when does xanga cost money?